Waiting Waiting Waiting

This  image makes me think of my father. He and my Mom split when I was a year old. Throughout my youth I would find myself waiting for the days he would gather me up for scheduled weekend visits. Sometimes he was a No Show but most of the time visits with him were good. He is the sentimental Irish part of me so between that and being a child of divorce, I suppose those are things that contribute to my deep pervasive feeling of longing. Just like the child in the picture waiting -- waiting for love, longing for a better life, waiting for the windfall of treasures, waiting for people to turn on the love in their hearts. Waiting for my books to sell. Waiting for life to give me a break; oh I've made so many mistakes! Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

"What are you waiting for?" they will ask. "You've been waiting for what (?) since you were a child? Then just change the way you look at things! Let go of the old and bring in the new! If you aren't happy it's your fault. Let it GO." hmmmmmmmm......

Has anyone ever told you these things so that you would be different than the you that you are? Who says we are supposed to be giddy and raucously happy? Why can't we just be ourselves. Things in our lives happen for a reason. We cannot be cookie-cuttered.

Do you find yourself longing for a life different than the one you are living? I have had many disappointments but also have had an element of success in my life. I have many friends and a supportive family. My cup is half full and I am the eternal optimist ...but somewhere in my deepest being there is a pervasive bittersweet longing. Longing for a certain kind of love or creative outlet -- or for a publisher or landfall of money or more hours in a day. Maybe a nicer house, a newer car. I think maybe when I find the right pair of jeans that fit me perfectly it will be the key to my happiness. When all is said and done, I am overall content but never joyously or exhiliratingly happy. We are in control of our thoughts and feelings to an extent but sometimes upbringing and DNA have a lot to do with why we are the way we are. There is really only so much we can control. The rest we must come to accept.

When we are children growing up, life circumstances can thread themselves right into our cells and to a certain extent we grow and develop into our own unique personal tapestries based on those threads. We become what we have experienced. We all have our stories and there is always a reason why we are the way we are. The best thing we can do is accept and embrace our unique selves and wait on the will of Heaven.

Something wonderful is coming. There is a reason for all of this. Keep the faith. 

It's Sobering: The Alcoholic Family

He's so nice one minute but not the next.

I don't understand what's wrong.

He's usually easy going

Not so angry and headstrong!

What did I do to earn his wrath?

What can I do to change it?

I thought our life was right on track.

I'll have to rearrange it.

To make him happy, that's my role

To keep the family close,

To keep the peace and keep the house,

And not appear morose.

Because sometimes the smallest things

Seem to upset him so

And at those times, he grabs a drink

And then it's touch and go.

We keep this secret to ourselves.

We don't complain, we smile!

And go about our business

And become so versatile!

As we grow, we learn how much

Our family impacts us

And we tend to follow footsteps of

The only way it was.

We fight our parents battles

And we run from drinks and drugs

We run from love and closeness

And tighten up when someone hugs

Us because we're never certain

How consistent someone is.

We walk on eggshells all the time

Ready to dismiss

The other for their various faults,

We take a lesser stance.

We make them more important

Than we are in circumstance.

A lesson that is hard to learn

When we've grown up this way--

To be equally important in

What we want and what we say.

So if you cannot intervene,

Make a change in your own life

So that someday you can be yourself

With your husband or your wife

Or your significant other

If you choose a different route.

Because what you want is what you want.

Be true to your pursuit.

It's time to take the driver's seat

And move towards your life goals.

Decide what you want and go for it

And let go of the roles

You've played for years and mastered.

Your time's long overdue.

Take care of others, but care for yourself.

As they say "To thine own self be true."

From the book One Heart's Journey
by Kate McGahan LMSW

BAGGAGE CLAIM

I’m building a wall that I don’t want to build

A stockade ‘round my heart and soul

All because those before you filled

My life then left a gaping hole.

You pay the price of baggage carried

On and off throughout my years.

Some cast off and deeply buried,

Some I keep to tote my fears

Of failure, guilt, abandonment, 

Which pull me down and hold me back.

These fears are much like bricks and mortar

Weighing down my heavy sack. 

I’ve always had the tools I need

To ward off enemies unknown

Always ready to defend

By erecting walls of stone

Impossible to penetrate!

They kept me sound

They kept me safe!

They also sheltered me from love.

I’ve paid the price of seeming brave.

It’s time to cast those things aside

That I no longer need because

Not only do they weigh too much,

They sheltered me from what life WAS.

My life is very different now

How wrong of me to utilize

This defense when I’ve no cause

To doubt your word or your advice.

I feel exposed as I toss out

The huge amounts of sand and stone…

Afraid to be wounded without my “shield,” 

I await the pain as I stand alone. 

Only to find that the pain doesn’t come!

I tentatively discover

That warmth and tenderness surround

Me as I start to now uncover

The parts of me I’ve saved for you,

The one who taught me it’s okay

To be myself and share my truth

Knowing you’ll meet me halfway

With respect and courtesy.

I learn life is a paradox.

Tear down the walls with kindness and

  Build gates of love, not walls of rocks. 

from "One Heart's Journey: Lyrics of an Imperfect Life"

A New Year

It’s New Year’s Eve…

I’m waiting your arrival

To ring in the new year.

We dated years ago and

Despite our differences

I loved you so.

Parting as the best of friends

We still get together

On Saturday nights

And Sunday afternoons

And New Year’s Eves

When there’s no one involved

With you and me.

Sometimes I think, maybe?

Maybe we could love again?

Maybe it would work this time?

It’s New Year’s Eve

The call comes in:

You won’t be coming after all.

It’s New Year’s Eve.

I understand.

Nothing’s New.

from the book One Heart's Journey: Lyrics of an Imperfect Life

by Kate McGahan

Fast Forward

You don't need anything else

When you have everything you need.

And everything I need

I find in you.

Alas, you pack your bags

And travel far from me

Taking all the love I have to give

With you when you go.

Forgotten, years later,

I am doomed to become

A fat, drunk, depressed old woman

Who maxes out her credit cards

And cares for naught

But her memories of you.

ABSENT DAD

Today would have been my father's 84th birthday. 

Life wasn't perfect for us, yet it was somehow perfect in that we taught each other what we needed to learn from each other. 

It was not his fault. It's not my fault. 

It's no one's fault. It just is what it is. 

We all have something we believe is true that isn't true 

deep inside of us

and some of us spend our entire lives trying to undo the misconceptions and beliefs that hold us back from living a full life of love and adventure.  

It's never too late. 

Life is the school, love is the lesson.

It seemed so long between visits

Just every month or so,

And even then time shared was brief

It was hard to see him go.

Of course to mother there was relief

In seeing him depart.

But to his daughter, it was the first

Padlock upon her heart.

This early lesson taught her

That men we love can leave.

So be so ever careful

Not to fall, not to believe

In lasting love, for love can stray

And separate the two

Who so loved one another

As love made it's first debut.

"Abandonment" they call it

Where you just seem to expect

That if you allow yourself to care

The old rule takes effect:

Those who love will also leave

No matter what you do:

If your Daddy has left you to fend for yourself,

It will happen again to you.

So you go your own way and you meet lots of men

And keep a safe distance between.

You're unintentionally "hard to get,"

Driven by a force unseen.

This of course drives men crazy

And you help them realize

That they'll not understand some women;

First she loves and then she flies.

There are lessons for you to learn that men

Are not all like your Dad.

Strive to open up your world

To a well-intended lad.

If he leaves you, understand,

That's simply a risk you face.

Like everything else, take what you learn

And apply it in the next case.

Until you land on one who's right

For you and you for him.

Sometimes there are lessons to be learned

Throughout the interim.

So just believe, have faith assured

In the Powers That Be each day.

Use your insight, share your love,

And you won't be a divorcee.

From the book "One Heart's Journey" by Kate McGahan

c.2000

If I Were You, If You Were Me

April is National Poetry Month. Why don't you write a poem too? You might surprise yourself with your talent on expressing something you are passionate about. Try to get out of your head and gently move into your heart and see what happens. I wrote this little rambling poem/song while I was out walking the dogs one night not long ago and I thought I would post it. In honor of April.

If I were you
I'd be able to see
The way you'd come to live for me.
If I were you
I'd hear the way
You honor me each time you pray.
If I were you
I'd feel your face
I'd touch your heart
I'd taste the life you bring to me
I'd know your scent when you are near
And when you're not - when you must leave -
I'd always trust that you'd return.
I'd have no fear. I would not grieve
I'd have great faith. I would believe
In you and me.
Two hearts entwined;
My life yours and your life mine.
If I were you
I'd taste
I'd smell
I'd see
I'd hear
I'd feel
I'd sense
I'd want you near
I'd love you dear...
I love you.

But I'm not you.
I'm not you.

 ©2018  Kate McGahan

Who is speaking in the poem? Who is You? Who is Me? Who is speaking? A child? A parent? A pet? A friend? A lover? God? Everyone who ever loved or couldn't love? It's all By Design. We are shaped by those who love us and by those who refuse to love us. At one time or another, one situation or the other, we each have loved in this lifetime and we each at a certain moment have disregarded the call to love.

If you now feel unloved, it is not true. You are not a victim of a life without love. Someone Somewhere loves you very much. Someone you do not see or seem to sense. You are never alone. Think about this and look around. You are the one who does not see. Open your eyes, your ears, your heart and find the One who loves you.  Seek. You shall find. 

You're Gone...

You're gone.

Just another case of

Not getting what I thought I wanted.

Instead 

I'll get what I'm supposed to have

Because the Powers That Be

Can make much better decisions for me

Than I can.

Questions in a Rose-Colored World

What happens when you remove

Your rose-colored glasses

And realize that I am just

A person with imperfections

Just like everyone else?

Will you leave me then?

By leaving you first 

Am I shielding myself

From that possibility?

By leaving you first

Do I deprive myself of knowing

The answer?