Life is the School, Love is the Lesson, Grief is Our Teacher

 

Only those who avoid love can avoid the pain of grief. Grief has a Grand Plan. Grief teaches you to quiet yourself and learn to tune into the unseen world around you. Getting through grief will strengthen your faith in that which you cannot see. 

When we struggle we can die. When we resist we can get hurt. Surrender to the grief. You are not required to feel anything. Just FEEL whatever feelings come.  Don't be afraid of them. They will not hurt you any more than struggle and resistance.  

Only those who avoid love can avoid the pain of grief. Don't let yourself be one of them. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile --- and it's only a ride, this life. The Real Life is Yet To Come. 

Keep the faith. Keep going. Keep growing. It will all be worth it in the end --- in the beginning. 

"I'll Never Accept This Loss" - ACCEPTANCE - Stage 5

Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. 

This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually, we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing. 

In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganize roles and priorities, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves. Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. 

As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. 

We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time. Be patient with yourself and those around you. Time and support will help you to heal the wounds of grief. 

Consider reading the Jack McAfghan Trilogy if you cannot find the support you need in the corners of your life. Visit www.katemcgahan.com and sign up for your free book, "It's Not Putting Me Down, It's Lifting Me Up."  Follow Jack on Facebook. Jack is always there to guide, support and love you through the journey. Our story is your story too. Jack's voice is the voice of your beloved. 

Prayers for your journey. 

It's Sobering: The Alcoholic Family

He's so nice one minute but not the next.

I don't understand what's wrong.

He's usually easy going

Not so angry and headstrong!

What did I do to earn his wrath?

What can I do to change it?

I thought our life was right on track.

I'll have to rearrange it.

To make him happy, that's my role

To keep the family close,

To keep the peace and keep the house,

And not appear morose.

Because sometimes the smallest things

Seem to upset him so

And at those times, he grabs a drink

And then it's touch and go.

We keep this secret to ourselves.

We don't complain, we smile!

And go about our business

And become so versatile!

As we grow, we learn how much

Our family impacts us

And we tend to follow footsteps of

The only way it was.

We fight our parents battles

And we run from drinks and drugs

We run from love and closeness

And tighten up when someone hugs

Us because we're never certain

How consistent someone is.

We walk on eggshells all the time

Ready to dismiss

The other for their various faults,

We take a lesser stance.

We make them more important

Than we are in circumstance.

A lesson that is hard to learn

When we've grown up this way--

To be equally important in

What we want and what we say.

So if you cannot intervene,

Make a change in your own life

So that someday you can be yourself

With your husband or your wife

Or your significant other

If you choose a different route.

Because what you want is what you want.

Be true to your pursuit.

It's time to take the driver's seat

And move towards your life goals.

Decide what you want and go for it

And let go of the roles

You've played for years and mastered.

Your time's long overdue.

Take care of others, but care for yourself.

As they say "To thine own self be true."

From the book One Heart's Journey
by Kate McGahan LMSW

Book 4 Now Available in Paperback!

This little book will answer every question you ever asked about the end of life -- and some you haven't thought to ask yet.  Let Jack guide you gently through the decisions, the Stages of Grief and into the Healing that will show you that you have become so much more for the love you have shared. 

The Key to a Love that Lasts Forever

Letting Go doesn't mean you don't love them anymore. Letting Go doesn't mean you won't miss them anymore. You'll always remember. You can never cut the ties that bind two souls together who truly love each other. What you DO need to cut is the Leash of Grief and Guilt that binds them to you and prevents them from doing what is best for them.

As They say, set something free and if it was yours to begin with, it will come back. It's natural law, in Heaven and on Earth and in all the spaces in between life and death and life. Your loved ones cannot come back from a place they have not yet arrived. 

If you are looking for Signs and not finding them, take a look at what you are doing. If your best friend is still on the leash of your grief, your best friend is not yet free to be everything he or she can be. 

Letting Go is the most important thing you can do for both of you. It is the ultimate act of faith... and you will be rewarded for it. 

Breathe. Then Let Go. It's time.

You say you love. Do you love them enough to let them go? 

Do you trust them enough to have the faith that they will never leave?  

"'Do not cling to me,' said Jesus, 'for I have not yet ascended to the Father.'"

John 20:17

(Jesus to Mary Magdalene) 

Unleash Me Let Me Go. It's Part of Our Healing. Yours & Mine.

Q: Dear Jack. You talk about letting them go. Not binding them to you with the grief. How do you know when you have cut the leash so that they can run free and have fun? 

A: When you are no longer clinging to them.

Q: How do you know when you are no longer clinging to them?

A: You are no longer clinging to them when you no longer have pain over them. When you no longer allow yourself to suffer. When you have peace and you can smile when you think of them. When you have accepted that they are now living in another dimension, but living nonetheless. You can still miss them, you can still have tender tears, but it's the pain and suffering about it that must be severed from your being. The pain and the suffering weave together to create the leash that binds. 

FRANKLy Speaking

The strength of human will

Is stronger than anything

That can happen to it.

This phenomenon of nature holds true:

As the strongest winds blow

So the seedling is strengthened.

When I think of the wisdom and the resiliency

Of Victor Frankl at Auschwitz,

I am better able to tolerate

The foul smelling woman

Who sits beside me

On the way to Penn Station.

Reprinted from One Heart's Journey © 2000

Is Grief Taking a Toll on Your Marriage?

I will never forget one of our Heart to Heart Support Group members was struggling terribly for a long time after the loss of her Heart and Soul dog.  Her life had become one great drama, filled with great rage and relentless sadness. One day she shared that she had said to her husband, crying: "I just want my dog back." Her husband looked at her straight in the eye and replied,"I just want my wife back." This is the kind of strain grief can put on a marriage.  

Some of you are struggling in your marriages and relationships because of the grief that is weighing heavily between you. It hangs heavy like a wall that seems insurmountable. Your wife may not be able to focus on what is important to you. She seems scatterbrained because she doesn't know where to put all of her feelings that come from her grief. Hubby may not know how to process his wife's -- or even his own -- emotions over the loss of a beloved pet. Men and women tend to process emotions very differently and the emotions of grief run deep.

Remember there are typically five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. For many, these stages can be extreme. A husband may have discomfort in not knowing what to do for or say to his wife. Perhaps he is struggling too and he doesn't know how to talk about his own grief so he distances himself instead. She feels the distance and it perpetuates her anger or depression. 

If this kind of behavior between you is taking place but is not typical, it is likely related to the loss at hand. By the way, for the husbands, most guys love Jack's book because he's a guy too and he writes it in such a way that they can process it quite easily. Jack will walk any reader through the stages of grief and out the other side. So if nothing else works, put our book in his hand! Most women gravitate to Jack because he's a guy that sets everything right. Jack puts everyone on the same page. Read it together. Read it to your kids. Leave it on your parent's coffee table. Do whatever you need to do to get on common ground. 

Please tune into this short video (below) which discusses the difference between Men's Brains and Women's Brains by Mark Gungor. It's been around awhile but is quite funny and right on the mark. Most men and most women deal with grief very differently and if you are in a marriage or relationship that is currently strained, it's important to keep this in mind.  

I also wish to add that I have addressed 'husbands' and 'wives' in this post and it seems all very traditional, but this applies to all relationships and partnerships between generations, men and women, same sex partners, siblings, parents and children of all ages. Everyone has a different way of handing stress so please keep your mind open, seek counseling if you need a little extra support --- and keep love at the forefront of everything you do.  

Here's the video. I think there will be something in it that would make most people laugh, and laughter is still the best medicine of all.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29JPnJSmDs0

Find our healing books, highly-rated on Amazon Worldwide

http://amzn.to/2yytP3l

The One Thing That Keeps You Stuck in the Grief

Dear Jack: 

The hardest thing I'm dealing with right now is my guilt. I have lost people in my life, including my best human friend and my mother. Losing my Heart and Soul pet has hit me harder than anything and I miss him more than anyone ever and that is why I feel guilty. I've never admitted this to anyone other than a total stranger I happened to walk into at a doctors appt. who admitted the same thing after telling her about my best friend.

Sincerely,

Lost in Guilt

Dear Lost, 

You are no longer lost because the moment you realize what is holding you back, is the moment you can begin to move forward. It is part of the Acceptance process. 

During our years of working hospice we found that guilt is the #1 grief issue 90% of the time. Have you read my book yet because we address this in detail. That's one of the reasons we wrote my first book. Kate was riddled with guilt. She was stuck in the guilt of grief for six months or more. When you finally accept that guilt in unnecessary, you will emerge from the depths of the darkness, You find out that you are free and you realize that there is plenty of hope for healing and living a normal life again. A better than normal life for what we have taught you by our leaving. 

Guilt is all so unnecessary. Did you know that guilt doesn't even exist except in your own mind? But that might be too much for you to process right now. Please if you haven't already, get my book and let me comfort you on this topic. I will bring your best friend to you and release you both from the chains of guilt. In about 3-4 hours you can be in a totally different place. Please don't be afraid to go there. Your pet's world will open up when yours does. You are both connected and your grief impacts him. Now don't feel guilty about that too! It's a normal and human part of the process. 

Learn about it. Do it for you and do it for your best friend.

Our books are available on Amazon Worldwide. Click here to view my page on Amazon.com!

Love,

Jack

Did God Take Him Away to Punish Me?

Dear Jack, 
If it wasn't for my dog I would surely be dead or in prison. He had this little look he would give me like he was saying You Know You Shouldn't Do That, then he would come up and lick my face like he still loved me. He really turned my life around. He was a God send. I thought at first God took him to punish me for things I done but the Preacher told me God loves all the things we do and wasn't like that.
Pete

Dear Pete, 
God was not punishing you at all. He was giving you a glimpse of Him through your dog's awareness, forgiveness, love and acceptance of All That You Are. You are. You are loved. You are accepted. You are forgiven. This is what they come to teach us and this is why God sends them. 
I love you too, 
Jack 

Getting Back on Track Is Ultimately Up To You

I know it doesn't seem this way, but pain and suffering are the choices you make. You often tend to feel victimized and paralyzed by your loss. You can feel out of control. When you finally begin to heal, you have a little more energy and clarity to choose a better thought. You know what it is like to watch your best friend suffer? Your best friend does not want to watch you suffer either. You have the power to turn it around, you really do.

Guilt. Shame. Loss. Bereavement. Loneliness. Depression.  

When you start feeling sick enough long enough about it, you will change. Loss of someone we love will make us take a good hard look at our behavior.  Everything in life is preparing us for our future life Over the Rainbow too. Guilt does not exist there and none of our pets are hung up on it (or anything else for that matter), so it's about growing and learning to live our lives in love.  We've been focused for so long on someone else, and it takes us awhile to learn that It's about learning to love and accept OURSELVES too.

Louise Hay 2015 Day At A Time Calendar

If you have been struggling for awhile and cannot see the way out of the dark, contact someone to help you. Surround yourself with positive people. Seek help from a counselor, therapist, minister or community agency. Most communities have a hospice program and most hospice programs offer free bereavement support to people in the community. Please don't be afraid to reach out and get the help you need.  

Where are you in the Grief Process? Find Out Here.

You are managing your loss in your own unique way. Everyone is different. There is a framework, however, that was designed by the famous death expert, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Ross determined that most people typically go through a predictable series of stages of emotion and growth in their grief. After working with Kate as a hospice therapist for many years, I can say that yes, most (not all) people go through these very stages -- in their own way and in their own timeframe.  

Others have a more unique style -- they can ride the roller coaster of loss and go around and around on the merry go round, re-visiting stages repeatedly and sometimes out of order. They can be stuck forever without a guide to help them through their grief, or they can fly through the process all at once and never even realize that they grieved a loss at all.

How do you know if you are on track?  

What phase of grief are you in right now? 

Most of us have seen the "Rainbow Bridge" poem many times.  

Did you know that it can be used as an Assessment tool too? It is a very good indicator of where you are in your cycle of grief.  It applies beautifully to those who have lost a beloved pet, but it applies to all losses on the Life Stressor Scale. 

Kate is reading the poem today. She still cries at the part towards the end where pets and their people are reunited. She cries because the thought of seeing me again makes her so happy. It's so much better than it used to be because she used to cry at the first sentence because I was gone from her sight. She was devastated because in those days, in that phase, she only wanted me back. She couldn't let go. She was in (1) Denial then.

Those in the (2) Anger stage will tend to get triggered by 'all the animals who had been ill', as this is the one place in the poem that focuses on the past; on the pain and on the suffering. Grieving or not, people who are angry are typically stuck in the past. 

  

Those in the third stage of Bargaining will get an emotional jolt from 'they each miss someone very special to them'. They are still fighting the missing of their friend. They are focused on 'the dreams of days and times gone by'. If only they could have their loved one back! This person is still trying to negotiate. They can be stuck on the IF ONLY's. They will be emotional at this part of the poem because the predestined reunion is not yet clear. 

(4) Depression. When we are depressed we get stuck on 'they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind' (!). People in this stage are now totally aware that their loss is real and they feel the pain of the loss more than ever. 
This is why sometimes you think you are getting worse, but you are really getting better. If you were in an accident, your traumatized body would initially go into shock. Hours or days later you would feel the intense pain when the shock wears off. In much the same way, Denial, Anger and Bargaining keep us focused on something other than our pain. These stages keep us "safely" in our heads and out of our emotions. God designs us this way because we cannot handle all of our losses all at once.   

But look! They run and play together, the animals. They are not unhappy at all! The process of Acceptance begins the moment you draw near to your pet; when your pet spots you and you see your pet and you know your reunion is inevitable and permanent.  

The grief process is complete when 'you cross the Rainbow Bridge together'.  Crossing the bridge is a metaphor for Acceptance and completion.

Tears can flow for years and years and tears can flow forever, but there are also some people who are able to work through their grief, allowing things to be what they are with no more tears at all. There is no "right way" to grieve. There is no "wrong way" to grieve. There is only YOUR WAY.  If you have loved, you will always feel a bittersweet sentiment when you read this poem from beginning to end. 

What sentence in the poem makes your tears start to flow? 
Your answer will tell you how much further you have to go to heal.  
The further you go into the poem without tears, the more you have healed. 

If you are struggling with grief and loss issues and you see no improvement or hope for recovery, please seek out a bereavement or loss counselor to help you through it. Most community hospice organizations have a counselor or pastor available who is willing to provide such a service in the community at no charge. Godspeed your journey.

We Never Want for Anything We Don't Already Have

It would never cease to amaze me when she would emerge from the grocery store with bags hanging off her fingers, full of things she bought that she thought we needed. We would be in the car waiting for her. We didn't care what she had in those bags, we only cared about her.  We never asked for anything. We were always so happy with whatever we received and we never looked for anything we didn't already have. How many things do you have that you don't really need? How about clearing them out and making room for more love? 

All We Want is You

Pain Doesn't Last Forever

"...Yet pain is part of being alive, and we need to learn that.  Pain does not last forever, nor is it necessarily unbearable, and we need to be taught that. 

Adolescents need to accept the fact that broken hearts, like broken bones, hurt dreadfully but ultimately they heal, and that there is life beyond the hurting.  People whose shameful secret is about to be revealed need to be assured that there is forgiveness as well as condemnation, that there are people in the world and a God in the world capable of forgiving and loving even the most flawed and imperfect of us.  The terminally ill need to be reassured that we will cherish them and spend time with them and take them as seriously as we did when they were healthy. 

Most of all, we have to learn to trust our own capacities to endure pain.   We can endure much more than we think we can; all human experience testifies to that.  All we need to do is learn not to be afraid of pain.  Grit your teeth and let it hurt.  Don't deny it, don't be overwhelmed by it.  It will not last forever,   One day, the pain will be gone and you will still be there."  

~Harold S. Kushner

Everything is a Reflection of Everything

Faith is my acceptance of His acceptance of me. 

And because He accepts me, I accept me 

And because He accepts you, I accept you.

There is something important here 

But I just can't put my finger on it.

We are told we have all the answers, all that we need, inside of us. 

God lives inside of us and He knows. 

If He is in us and He knows, then somewhere in us, we know too.

I think I am not supposed to take 

Your inability to give me what I need and desire personally, 

But I don't know how to do that.  

If you're the one for me, why is this so hard? 

Love, 

Sarah

The upcoming book, "It's All About You"