Waiting Waiting Waiting

This  image makes me think of my father. He and my Mom split when I was a year old. Throughout my youth I would find myself waiting for the days he would gather me up for scheduled weekend visits. Sometimes he was a No Show but most of the time visits with him were good. He is the sentimental Irish part of me so between that and being a child of divorce, I suppose those are things that contribute to my deep pervasive feeling of longing. Just like the child in the picture waiting -- waiting for love, longing for a better life, waiting for the windfall of treasures, waiting for people to turn on the love in their hearts. Waiting for my books to sell. Waiting for life to give me a break; oh I've made so many mistakes! Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

"What are you waiting for?" they will ask. "You've been waiting for what (?) since you were a child? Then just change the way you look at things! Let go of the old and bring in the new! If you aren't happy it's your fault. Let it GO." hmmmmmmmm......

Has anyone ever told you these things so that you would be different than the you that you are? Who says we are supposed to be giddy and raucously happy? Why can't we just be ourselves. Things in our lives happen for a reason. We cannot be cookie-cuttered.

Do you find yourself longing for a life different than the one you are living? I have had many disappointments but also have had an element of success in my life. I have many friends and a supportive family. My cup is half full and I am the eternal optimist ...but somewhere in my deepest being there is a pervasive bittersweet longing. Longing for a certain kind of love or creative outlet -- or for a publisher or landfall of money or more hours in a day. Maybe a nicer house, a newer car. I think maybe when I find the right pair of jeans that fit me perfectly it will be the key to my happiness. When all is said and done, I am overall content but never joyously or exhiliratingly happy. We are in control of our thoughts and feelings to an extent but sometimes upbringing and DNA have a lot to do with why we are the way we are. There is really only so much we can control. The rest we must come to accept.

When we are children growing up, life circumstances can thread themselves right into our cells and to a certain extent we grow and develop into our own unique personal tapestries based on those threads. We become what we have experienced. We all have our stories and there is always a reason why we are the way we are. The best thing we can do is accept and embrace our unique selves and wait on the will of Heaven.

Something wonderful is coming. There is a reason for all of this. Keep the faith. 

Batterer

“Oh –it’s crazy really,”

I’d tell the girls at work

How I fell down the stairs

Or hit my head on the kitchen cupboard

Or broke my wrist chasing after the family dog.

I’d feign laughter over my “stupidity,”

Wondering if they could read between the lines

And see my helplessness

My misery. My lies…

Wishing that they could.

Praying that they wouldn’t. 

Most of my friends didn’t care for him when we married. 

I never understood why – 

He seemed…

Well… so perfect.

All of a sudden he changed. 

Overnight he became a monster, 

Like a werewolf at full moon 

when the sun goes down. 

Only the sun never comes back up. 

I tried to rise up when the kids went off to school

And I took a job that satisfied.

It should have been the happiest time of my life. 

He couldn’t tolerate it. 

He chided me. Ridiculed me

Criticized me. Beat me

Until I wondered what shreds of me were left

That I could offer anybody. 

Looking back 

I should’ve been angry. 

I should’ve fought back.

I should’ve left him. 

But through it all I was loyal. 

I was the only one who saw his insecurity. 

I eventually realized

I’d had it all backwards.

He had needed me to need him so badly

That he did everything in his power

To make me feel so insecure

That I would never leave him. 

My leash was his anger.

My prison was our marriage.

My armor was my spirit.

Somehow through it all

He never cracked my spirit.

Somewhere in the core of me

Was the belief

That I would prevail.

That I would be strong. 

That I would find a way to pursue

What made me happy. 

Someday.

My spirit was stronger than his. 

Now he is in how own prison

And my Someday has arrived 

At last. 

From the book "One Heart's Journey: Lyrics of an Imperfect Life" 

ABSENT DAD

Today would have been my father's 84th birthday. 

Life wasn't perfect for us, yet it was somehow perfect in that we taught each other what we needed to learn from each other. 

It was not his fault. It's not my fault. 

It's no one's fault. It just is what it is. 

We all have something we believe is true that isn't true 

deep inside of us

and some of us spend our entire lives trying to undo the misconceptions and beliefs that hold us back from living a full life of love and adventure.  

It's never too late. 

Life is the school, love is the lesson.

It seemed so long between visits

Just every month or so,

And even then time shared was brief

It was hard to see him go.

Of course to mother there was relief

In seeing him depart.

But to his daughter, it was the first

Padlock upon her heart.

This early lesson taught her

That men we love can leave.

So be so ever careful

Not to fall, not to believe

In lasting love, for love can stray

And separate the two

Who so loved one another

As love made it's first debut.

"Abandonment" they call it

Where you just seem to expect

That if you allow yourself to care

The old rule takes effect:

Those who love will also leave

No matter what you do:

If your Daddy has left you to fend for yourself,

It will happen again to you.

So you go your own way and you meet lots of men

And keep a safe distance between.

You're unintentionally "hard to get,"

Driven by a force unseen.

This of course drives men crazy

And you help them realize

That they'll not understand some women;

First she loves and then she flies.

There are lessons for you to learn that men

Are not all like your Dad.

Strive to open up your world

To a well-intended lad.

If he leaves you, understand,

That's simply a risk you face.

Like everything else, take what you learn

And apply it in the next case.

Until you land on one who's right

For you and you for him.

Sometimes there are lessons to be learned

Throughout the interim.

So just believe, have faith assured

In the Powers That Be each day.

Use your insight, share your love,

And you won't be a divorcee.

From the book "One Heart's Journey" by Kate McGahan

c.2000

Giving and Receiving what is asked for

Last week I was reading a book about Reverence to Mother Earth and how good it is to make a "sacrifice"... To make an offering as a precious gift to the Earth. So I thought "What is something really precious to me that I can take to my land and bury there." Then I thought of it.

I went into my seashell collection and there was the little coral dolphin that the Mexican shaman gave me when Benito and I were in Tulum. The Shaman had said "If you find you don't need him/the dolphin anymore, don't give him to anyone. Take him and bury him in the earth." So I lifted out my precious little dolphin and took him up to Wild Horse Mesa and buried him in the clay and the rocks. It was really hard for me to do, to separate that little dolphin from the rest of my visual life, but I did.

In preparation I was doing a lot of thinking about Benito and the past and the future. We did not end on the best of terms. I "put it out there" in my thoughts and prayers and deepest desires. The only loose end I really wanted tied up with him was to know that, when all was said and done, that he knew that I had loved him.

(Your wish is my command)

Well, yesterday I opened my mailbox and, quite surprisingly, there was a letter from Benito! We had not been in touch in over 12 months. He started it "Dear Mrs/Ms Catalina MaGoo" (which tells me he has lightened up a bit because he would always call me 'Miss MaGoo' and we would always laugh).

Anyway -- the last words of his letter (after 'God Bless you Kate Wherever You Are') (!) were in poetic broken English but basically read "When you fall and get back up, it makes you see the sentimental truth between two people. It is not always clear when we have love standing right in front of our face."

There it was. That's all I needed to "close the case". What gift. I wonder if he knows what he did for me by giving me that. And giving it to me now. It reinstates my faith in everything. (That Benito still "hears" me 2 1/2 years later; small beans compared to lifetimes I suppose!) But then, so many things happen out here like that every day! But this was an especially powerful one for me.