Anger Is Part of Grief

Who has been the source of your anger? 

Yourself? 

Do you blame yourself? 

The vet? 

The people around you who seem not to care? 

God? 

Anger is a part of the grief process and it can be very scary, especially if you were never allowed or encouraged to express anger. 

Feel it. Heal it. Let it go. 

My book will show you how. 

http://amzn.to/2ipa4zE

Why Does My Mind Keep Replaying the Trauma?

Dear Jack, 
My cat died somewhat suddenly last night. Everything was fine and then it was 45 unanticipated minutes of struggle and racing to the Emergency Animal Hospital. I am trying so hard not to cry today, to celebrate his life rather than to dwell on last night. Why is it that my mind is on constant replay of the horrific way he struggled and passed?  I so want time to hurry up, to be next week or next month so I do not break down. No matter how many one loses it does not seem to get any easier...
Love,
Sue

Dear Sue, 
Please go easy on yourself. You have lost someone near and dear to you. It is totally natural that you would need to shed tears, cry and weep over your loss. If you restrain your tears, it could make you sick. Your tears need to be released.

Remember there are Five Stages of Grief that we travel through when we lose someone.

The "Replay Phenomenon" that we all tend to go through to one extent or another is our mind's natural way of processing trauma and loss. It is natural to replay in your mind the details and circumstances of any kind of trauma that changes your life. Deep in your heart you know what is true. Your mouth speaks the truth, "My cat has died." but you still don't want to believe it. You go over and over and over it in your mind because you are in the stage of denial. Your heart replays the scene for you, for the express purpose of teaching you to accept what has happened. While your heart tries to "rewire" your mind to accept and understand what has happened, your mind keeps looking for a different answer. It doesn't like the truth. Alas you keep getting the same answer; the scene always ends the same way. Every time you see it replaying, you say to yourself, "No. It cannot be true." Replay. Replay. "No." "No". Every time you argue, "No". Much of this you aren't even conscious of. You just know you feel terrible, tired, lost and confused.

The grief process includes this complex defense mechanism of the body's heart and mind. The trauma is simply too much information to process all at once. Just like when you are learning something that is complicated, you need to read it over and over until you understand it. You need to take the course again. You need to watch the video one more time to grasp the lesson. You finally learn. One day, in a time that is not predesigned, you have to admit that, "Yes" it is true. What happened is true and your loved one is gone. They aren't coming back to this place. Once you comprehend this, you can move forward with acceptance in the deepest part of your mind. 

The difficulty arises when you get stuck in the saying, "No, no, no, no..." and "No" becomes a habit. The head and the heart become disconnected. You get stuck in your head and you forget about your heart and what it knows to be true. You make what your head is saying stronger than what your heart is saying. 

Your head is not necessarily your friend. It does not tell you to forgive yourself. Your head will tend to tell you that you are guilty; that you must have done something wrong. When you are stuck in your head, you cannot access the love in your heart that is forgiveness for all (including you) and belief in the love of everything. The heart is your true strength, but your mind thinks that it is the stronger of the two. When you are stuck, the bridge between your head and your heart needs to be reconstructed.

If you are stuck in the replay groove of pain and need to join your head back with your heart, focus on your heart. Give it some attention. Treat it like a very dear friend whom you have neglected. Stop crying for just a little while. Breathe deeply. Clear your mind. Lay your hands upon your heart and feel its strength. Ask it for forgiveness. Ask it to bring you the peace of truth. Some people are in too much pain to be able to quiet their minds to do this. They may need the help of a professional or hospice counselor to get unstuck from the continual replaying of their grief.  

In the meantime, go easy on yourself. Give yourself permission to replay it a few times and then allow yourself to move ahead towards true healing. When you move ahead, you are one step closer to the Rainbow Bridge and one step closer to the one you love who resides there.   

Where are you in the Grief Process? Find Out Here.

You are managing your loss in your own unique way. Everyone is different. There is a framework, however, that was designed by the famous death expert, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Ross determined that most people typically go through a predictable series of stages of emotion and growth in their grief. After working with Kate as a hospice therapist for many years, I can say that yes, most (not all) people go through these very stages -- in their own way and in their own timeframe.  

Others have a more unique style -- they can ride the roller coaster of loss and go around and around on the merry go round, re-visiting stages repeatedly and sometimes out of order. They can be stuck forever without a guide to help them through their grief, or they can fly through the process all at once and never even realize that they grieved a loss at all.

How do you know if you are on track?  

What phase of grief are you in right now? 

Most of us have seen the "Rainbow Bridge" poem many times.  

Did you know that it can be used as an Assessment tool too? It is a very good indicator of where you are in your cycle of grief.  It applies beautifully to those who have lost a beloved pet, but it applies to all losses on the Life Stressor Scale. 

Kate is reading the poem today. She still cries at the part towards the end where pets and their people are reunited. She cries because the thought of seeing me again makes her so happy. It's so much better than it used to be because she used to cry at the first sentence because I was gone from her sight. She was devastated because in those days, in that phase, she only wanted me back. She couldn't let go. She was in (1) Denial then.

Those in the (2) Anger stage will tend to get triggered by 'all the animals who had been ill', as this is the one place in the poem that focuses on the past; on the pain and on the suffering. Grieving or not, people who are angry are typically stuck in the past. 

  

Those in the third stage of Bargaining will get an emotional jolt from 'they each miss someone very special to them'. They are still fighting the missing of their friend. They are focused on 'the dreams of days and times gone by'. If only they could have their loved one back! This person is still trying to negotiate. They can be stuck on the IF ONLY's. They will be emotional at this part of the poem because the predestined reunion is not yet clear. 

(4) Depression. When we are depressed we get stuck on 'they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind' (!). People in this stage are now totally aware that their loss is real and they feel the pain of the loss more than ever. 
This is why sometimes you think you are getting worse, but you are really getting better. If you were in an accident, your traumatized body would initially go into shock. Hours or days later you would feel the intense pain when the shock wears off. In much the same way, Denial, Anger and Bargaining keep us focused on something other than our pain. These stages keep us "safely" in our heads and out of our emotions. God designs us this way because we cannot handle all of our losses all at once.   

But look! They run and play together, the animals. They are not unhappy at all! The process of Acceptance begins the moment you draw near to your pet; when your pet spots you and you see your pet and you know your reunion is inevitable and permanent.  

The grief process is complete when 'you cross the Rainbow Bridge together'.  Crossing the bridge is a metaphor for Acceptance and completion.

Tears can flow for years and years and tears can flow forever, but there are also some people who are able to work through their grief, allowing things to be what they are with no more tears at all. There is no "right way" to grieve. There is no "wrong way" to grieve. There is only YOUR WAY.  If you have loved, you will always feel a bittersweet sentiment when you read this poem from beginning to end. 

What sentence in the poem makes your tears start to flow? 
Your answer will tell you how much further you have to go to heal.  
The further you go into the poem without tears, the more you have healed. 

If you are struggling with grief and loss issues and you see no improvement or hope for recovery, please seek out a bereavement or loss counselor to help you through it. Most community hospice organizations have a counselor or pastor available who is willing to provide such a service in the community at no charge. Godspeed your journey.