Sacrificial Lamb: On Adoption

So often I wonder where I belong?

Those around me are open-armed.

They've cared for me and loved me so;

Ensured that I've not been harmed.

They adopted me from someone

Who, for one reason or another,

Couldn't care for me and gave me up

To another kind of mother

Who loved me as her own and he

Did just the very same.

My Dad gave me my role model,

My confidence, my name.

But who had this nose? These eyes? This hair?

These questions haunt me so!

And the biggest one of all is why

They had to let me go.

Were they too poor?

Were they too young?

To take care of their child?

Or to take care of each other?

Might they have reconciled?

These questions haunt me all the time!

What kind of life would I

Have had if Mommy kept me

And wound not have said goodbye?

Perhaps I would have been a prince

In some faraway place.

Perhaps a pauper on the streets,

My family a disgrace.

I lead two lives and when I take

The time to really ponder,

I look up in the endless sky

And cannot help but wonder

The infinite possibilities!

I try to visualize

How I'd feel, how I'd react

If I saw my mother's eyes.

The drive is there to seek the truth

Disappointing it may be.

Would I feel for this strange woman

Who gave my life to me?

My eyes refocus from the sky

I come back down to earth;

I look at what surrounds me now,

I think of what's it's worth.

Some people live their lifetimes

Never knowing they are loved.

Conceived by accident in youth,

Inevitably shoved

Aside for more important things

They learn to fret and worry.

Seeking love they find indifference

And they grow up in a hurry.

In the possibilities

Of the "what ifs" and the "whys"

I know that I've been blessed

When I come to realize

How very lucky I have been

To have had parents styled

To be conscious of their need

To want and love and child.

My parents chose to take me in

Their lives with welcomes warm.

No fear, no hesitation,

Simply glad that I was born!

So I feel I've always been a gift

Somehow I'll always know

That I'm considered precious

As I find my way and grow.

And through the years this strength will

See me through the darkest days.

Self confidence will guide me

As I share my loving ways.

From the book, "One Heart's Journey"

© 1999 by Kate McGahan 

I Don't Know, 'I Don't Remember, I Don't Remember' : On Being Transparent About Sexual Abuse

SEXUAL ABUSE AND POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER
WHY WE CAN'T REMEMBER THE DETAILS

By Kate McGahan LMSW

Along with the rest of the nation, I have been riveted on the Brett Kavanaugh/Christine Blasey-Ford testimony. Why all the hoopla? Aside from the deeply disturbing values and attitudes that are being consistently revealed in current politics, the story touches everyone who ever abused, was ever abused, ever did things beyond their control under the influence, ever forgot …ever remembered.

Last week Dr. Ford reminded me of what happened to me. She reminds me of what I tried to forget. It’s not like I forgot altogether what happened to me. Oh no. It’s that when it actually happened, I dissociated from myself because, quite simply, I didn’t want to be there. I wanted no part of it. So I “left”! Dissociation is a natural defense mechanism for those experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) whether it is due to wartime, devastating natural disaster or sexual, physical or emotional trauma. 

When he came looking for me that first night when I was ten, I was hiding from him. I had already learned that I did not like the way he treated me. He was just, well, “yucky.” Every night through my terrifying moments, he would find me, hiding. Behind curtains. Behind chairs. Under beds and tables. He always found me. I don’t know why I didn’t just run away from home altogether but there was something in the experience that paralyzed me like a deer in headlights.

I don’t know how many times over the years he did this, but it was many times. I never told anybody about it. This was the first person who taught me to Not Say No, to Not Tell Anyone, to try to continue loving someone even though they hurt, abuse and betray. He taught me how to deny the Here and Now, how to suppress my feelings until it became natural for me to stuff them away altogether. He taught me to expect that someone you come to love will probably come to hurt you. He taught me that family can betray you.

DISSOCIATION:

WHY WE CAN’T REMEMBER WHERE, WHAT, WHEN

BUT WE ALWAYS REMEMBER WHO

Once he found me and took me to his bedroom, I couldn’t hide my body anymore, so I hid the rest of me. I vacated. I dissociated. While his hands groped and his aged appendage shook as he spoke dirty words to my virgin ears, I exited the situation. My mind was able to whisk me away. I floated up out of the situation. Around the walls, covered with pink and blue wallpapered flowers. Up the wall to where the white painted molding met the yellowed ceiling. Most of the time I’d be “up there” somewhere but sometimes I would go even further. I would go through the ceiling and out into the freedom that was the rooftop and the sky. Despite what was happening I had already developed a faith in God and the angels and I believed that when I went “up there” I had a measure of safety that I didn’t have below. When we are traumatized, leaving the scene spiritually and psychologically is a safety measure. It’s By Design for one’s survival. It's no surprise that we cannot remember details when we are "not there." The circumstances at hand are too overwhelming to process and so we are designed to have an exit route and that route is called Dissociation.

When someone drinks or does drugs, they can exit too, through blackouts, drug “trips” that take them out of context with their own bodies, straight into an altered state. This is why most of them do it. They can't remember the details either, those that happened during their trip. They too are seeking an escape from something in their lives that they can’t bear. Some people can’t find their way back. They can be stuck in a confusing state of Dissociative Disorder, which is a disorder of identity. When you leave yourself behind this way, the day eventually can come when you find that you don’t know who you are at all. You don’t even know what you are. You have not lived life like a normal “person”.

When children are abused, they can lose sight of who and what they are. Now nearly fifty years later, I still do not know my worth, my value, my best qualities overshadowed and disguised by lifelong shame. This makes no sense to someone who has never experienced abuse, that a child can have such shame and guilt for the torrid acts of someone else, but it is the nature of a child to suffer guilt for such things beyond his or her control. Many suffer this for the rest of their lives. 

When you're young and your parents divorce, you always think it’s your fault. After all you are still somewhat ego-centric, as all young children are, and you think the world revolves around you, so therefore everything must have to do with you, for better or for worse. With various types of abuse, there is deep shame for being submissive, for not saying “no” to something that is deeply wrong. There is guilt for not being brave enough to tell anyone, not reporting the perpetrator. Perhaps even guilt for enjoying the experience despite the circumstance. Horrors! 

One of the specific problems for children who experience abuse of any kind is that as they grow, their brains are developing too. What goes in becomes a part of them. Walking. Talking. Tying Their Shoes. Reading, Writing, Arithmetic. Words of praise become a foundation for how they see themselves as they move forward into adulthood. Physical, Emotional, Sexual Abuse. These too become a foundation for how they see themselves and rate their poor self-worth as they move forward into adulthood. They never know why they don’t trust, they fear betrayal, they avoid intimacy. They throw themselves into dysfunctional relationships – after all, we attract what we feel and we will be like magnets drawing the same kind of people to us who will continue to hurt, harm, betray and abuse. In our ongoing insecurity, we can become addicted to pathways of escape: drugs, alcohol, gambling, pornography or work. We further dull our awareness of who we are because we don’t like who we are and we must find some way to escape from our own lives. It’s just another kind of dissociation. There are so many ways to lose ourselves. Each one of these situations is actually another opportunity to Show Up differently, but still we tend to focus on losing ourselves instead of finding ourselves. 

...Until one day we are reminded and it all comes rushing back. It fills every sense that had forgotten until now. The groping, the gravely voice, the lumpy pillows, the wallpaper flowers, the stale smell of the room. You can’t say when, you don’t remember how often. You only remember the flowers, the ceiling, the man, the hands, the feeling of terror and powerlessness ---- only now there is no escape from it. You have finally admitted to yourself that this has happened and now what are you going to do with it? You can’t heal what you don’t feel and now fifty years later you feel it’s full effect. You feel the fury, knowing how it changed the way you came to live your life. You see it from the eyes of an adult now. You know now that you deserved more in life but look how you always settled for less.

Last night anchor woman Connie Chung came forward. God bless her. She has remembered too: the trusted family doctor who delivered her as a baby who came to assault her as a co-ed. In fifty years she never told anyone but her husband. She now reminds me of one I’d forgotten. Our small town family doctor who fondled my breasts during a procedural exam for college admission.

     “Is someone playing with these?” he asked me.

     “No.” was my shy but robotic answer. 

      How on earth does one answer this?

     “Aww, that’s too bad,” he replied as he gave a last fondle.

     Oh my God I forgot about this until now.

So many of us are caught in the process of unlearning the erroneous things that we’ve been taught, needing to rewind back to our innocence and to remember the love and respect we must inherently have first for ourselves. We must tell our story and once it's told, to learn what we can from it and try to forget the part that only deprives us of creating a better story for ourselves in this new day and age ....knowing that the challenges along the way are what gave us the strengths of empathy, compassion and appreciation for the good things in life. Nothing is ever all good or all bad. The key is in accepting it as part of our development and moving forward with the strength of character that we have developed. We are different people because of these things and when it comes to our own testimony of ourselves, we are innocent.  

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can; 

and wisdom to know the difference.

The Power in a Name

This is my rainbow friend Domenico in the picture. Do you know that there is power in a name? Domenico means "of the Lord". You can be sure his Master called him Home where he now waits for his earthly beloveds and lives in the light of Love.

She didn't have any profound reasons for naming me. She called me Jack because she just always liked the name Jack and she always wanted to meet a guy named Jack. Then when she hadn't met one, she told me "Jack's my favorite name and you're my favorite friend so I'm going to name you 'Jack'." In actuality Jack means "man". I loved that. She doesn't know it yet, but someday she will know why I had to leave so soon. Because when you make someone your One and Only it leaves no room for anyone else to come into your life. And she has more to do besides build her life around me.

What did you name your pet and why? As you ponder this, it might give you clues to the Destiny that unfolded in your life with them.
Feel free to comment below your pet's name and your thoughts about this. 

Find the Jack McAfghan Trilogy of Books to heal your grief and strengthen your heart on Amazon Worldwide. http://amzn.to/2sCnH50

GUEST CONTRIBUTOR: "Things Come in Threes" by Laurie Eberle O'Brien

WRIGLEY

It is often said that sometimes things come in three's. I have witnessed that to happen, but did not pay that close of attention to it until I realized it has happened to me. As I reflect back to 15 years ago, it is hard to believe that it has been that long since we welcomed our first dog into our home. I grew up with them off and on, but did not have much of an interest in having one of my own. Fast forward to 2001 when our son was 12 and we had already been married for 20 years. 

I will always remember when we told him that we were "just going to look." Ha! Not only did we bring home an 8 week old, five pound bundle of fur, we brought home something that we had no idea could bring us so much joy and love for almost 15 years. 

Wrigley, you defined love. Pure and simple. There will NEVER be another you. You taught our family more than I can ever express to anyone. Your sweet disposition was infectious. The fun we had with you, the laughs you gave us, and the joy you brought to our lives cannot be measured in words. 

WRIGLEY

Your last couple of years were a challenge, as you battled seizures,Cushing's disease, and a myriad of other issues. But you refused to give up. You fought some very big battles being the warrior that you were. But in May, I knew you were getting tired and that's when we had to face the hardest decision of our lives. We did not want to let you cross. Your eyes were what told us. You were ready and as you passed in my arms, it was the hardest day of my life. My heart will never be the same. 

The house was too quiet. I did not want to go through that pain again, but God knew better. He knew our hearts. We decided to rescue this time. Dexter was your twin, Wrigley. But the difference was he was 9 and had a hard hard life. We were going turn that around for how ever many years he had left. We fell hard. I was thinking he would feel right at home....right away. How was I to know it would not be so quick? For 30 hours he did not move off of the couch, did not eat or drink and cowered as we approached him, even as lovingly as we did.

DEXTER

I finally got him to go for a walk at midnight. It had stormed that night and he clearly was apprehensive of our walk, sitting down every few steps as if he was asking permission. We were so ready to love him and teach him that our love for him would be as unconditional as his would be for us. I came back into the garage and as I praised him and unleashed him, he bolted. He grew wings as he ran, and I did not have those same wings to catch him. We searched but it was an unusually black night and it was as though he disappeared. He was found the next morning less than a quarter of a mile from home. He had been killed by a car. If only he would have trusted us. But why should he have? No one ever had given him reason to trust so he took the opportunity to run, and run he did. The wound was ripped right open again. The guilt has not left me. 

It was right after that I saw Jack's book offer on FB. I read it in almost one sitting and literally soaked paper towels as I read. What an incredible couple of hours that was. It touched me more than any dog book I have ever read and I read ALOT. Wow wow wow is almost all I could say in my review on Amazon. What an incredible way to tell a story full of so much love and wisdom, that it's almost palatable. What a find!!!! Coincidence? Fate? Luck?

Well, shortly after that I got a message that a friend of mine's sister runs a pet store and had a customer looking for a home for her daughter's dog. She could not care for her any more. She wasn't good with children (as they teased her) and she needed an adult home. Would I be interested? I did not give myself time to think about it and I know that Wrigley and Dexter had a hand in this. 

We welcomed her into our home in mid September and have never looked back. A white fluff ball whom we affectionally renamed "Kate." Our first and only "daughter" and little sister to our boys. I have to think that we have to crawl before we walk, that God promises a safe landing, but not always a calm passage. We are loving her more and more every day. Is it with the intensity that we did for Wrigley? No, and it may never be. Those are big "paws" to fill, but we don't expect her to fill them. They are too big for her and she doesn't have to for us anyway. 

KATE

So as we begin to heal, we want to believe that Kate was brought into our lives to help us do just that. She sure has her own little personality and sweetness about her. One thing we do know is that Wrigley taught us more about life than most people can even begin to teach us. He knows we have plenty of room in our hearts and so many more of his brothers and sisters need loving homes for the rest of their days.....no matter how limited those may be.

We hope and pray that this "third," as it has come in threes, is with us for many years to come. We do this in honor of our boys, never in place of them.

Thank you to both Kate's (yes, she was named after our one and only!) for showing us that we can open our hearts and love again. There is no reason not to.

Story submitted by Laurie Eberle O'Brien

Author Kate McGahan (L) and guest contributor Laurie O'Brien (R) in September 2015
Poco Diablo Resort, Sedona Arizona 

When It's Our Time to Cross, Who Do You Run to First?

Dear Jack, 

When it's time for you to greet your family, do you go to the first ones or to the ones that rescued you and loved you till you went over the Rainbow Bridge?  I know it sounds crazy but I have asked a few people and no one gives an answer. All of them say, Don't worry about it. But don't you see... the rescued babies have two sets of parents. 

Thank you for listening. 

Marie

Dear Marie, 

It doesn't sound crazy at all. Thank you for asking this. 

We tend to gravitate to the ones whose love for us is the strongest. Think of love as a magnet: the stronger the love, the more powerful the force of connection. The magnet of love binds us together between life and afterlife and the same magnet draws us together when you cross the bridge. We are always together and we can never lose each other. 

Please realize that it is very rare for those we love to come over Rainbow Bridge at the same time. However, if you can imagine a group of friends coming to your house to visit and I was there to welcome them, I would greet everyone.... but there would be someone I would greet more enthusiastically than the others. That would be you. ♥

This kind of love never dies. 

That said, when we get to Heaven, (no matter who we are) we are All of us Love, so all those we have ever been connected to will be together there. In Love. You will find that there are no judgments. Even people you thought you hated upon the earth, you will see them and throw open your arms and celebrate seeing them again! You will understand clearly how all of life unfolded, the good reasons things happened as they did... and you will see that All Is Well. ♡

All Is Love Here

Love,

Jack

If The Fates Allow: How Do I Get Through The Holidays?

Dear Jack, 

As Christmas draws near, I find myself terrified of listening to old songs or following normal traditions like putting up the tree and even buying presents. I seem ok to my family and friends because I still pretend that I'm ok. I want to do these things, but at the same time, I'm terrified of all they will remind me of. Baby Gus was always the happiest when we did these things. We now have a new furry angel in our lives but I still miss Gus so much. How do I get through the holidays without breaking down into a million pieces?

Love,

Marcy

Dear Marcy, 

I normally suggest that you Stay In Your Truth most of the time. However, if you have to pretend a bit to get through the holiday upcoming, you have to pretend.  It can actually help to "Fake It Till You Make It". Going through the motions is far better for healing than not facing the reality of life at all. 

Even Kate flew from NY to AZ on Christmas Day just so she wouldn't have to be at home with family "celebrating" the joy of the season, four months after my crossing the Bridge. She did not feel joy at the time. It was easier for her to be sitting on a plane with strangers and changing planes in airports than doing what she'd normally do with family and friends. She was fairly successful at dealing with it.

She had a silver paw print pendant that she carried with her. It hung on a chain over her heart. When things got tough, she took it out, held it and rubbed it like a comfort stone. Sometimes having something subtle and tangible helps defer the anxiety and nervous energy. It's okay to talk about it too, but not too much to those who don't understand or they start to think about committing you to an institution after the holiday is over! Lol. It can also be quite handy to excuse oneself and go to bed early. That's okay to a point. Balance is the key. Balance the holi-day and balance as you move forward to the next anniversary without your friend. Balance is the key to all healing. Time will take care of the rest.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

This year Kate is creating something new. A new holiday tradition with me in mind. Something she will do forever from this point on. Creating new traditions is a very good way to move forward and to honor us at the same time.  She always wanted a Nativity Set. She is going to buy one for herself, gifting it: "To Kate From Jack". Even now she is trying to figure out where to get a tiny "Jack" figurine to put in the barn with Baby Jesus!  (I don't know if she'll find a figurine, but just putting me in the picture above made her laugh--- and that's a good thing!  Whatever makes you laugh or smile, just DO THAT.) 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Just try to keep it positive. Keep moving forward. Try to find some kind of joy in the season, even if you have to put a gift under the tree from "me".  

Love,
Jack

Do Like Dr. Doolittle -- You Must Talk to the Animals

Dear Jack, 
My beloved Barney crossed the Rainbow Bridge a few nights ago. My sister says that I should "tell" my other two cats, but this seems a little weird to me. My sister's always been a little "out there" so I thought I would ask you what I should do.
Thank you Jack.
Belinda

Dear Belinda,
ABSOLUTELY you must tell them. You must share everything that is going on. They live with you, they lived with Barney, they loved him too. They know what life is all about and they remember Where They Came From and Where They Are Going.  Humans may forget this, but this is no surprise to them.  Do not withhold information from them that will help them grow too. 

Have you learned from reading my book how alert and aware the four-leggeds are? Sometimes they are more alert than humans are. Sometimes they even care more than humans do. They want to know. They need to know. They sense clearly that something is going on and they will be very confused if you don't tell them what it is. They feel your emotions and your vibrational energy and they can become quite distressed if you do not help them to understand what's going on.  

Once you do tell them, they will need your care, comfort and compassion, so treat them gently and with understanding because they are grieving too. Their lives move much more quickly than yours do in the scheme of things, so you can go into it knowing that they will probably work through their grief rather quickly. Typically they will be resolving their grief by the time you get into the thick of yours. Then they will be there to help you with yours... because they understand.

This was a great question.  Thank you for asking it so I can share with others because some of them probably have the same question too.  

Love,
Jack

🐾 Jack: On Guilt and Shame: Being Stuck in the Muck

So many of you feel so guilty for "letting us down". You did not let us down.  

Kate was working with a client who was being admitted to a nursing facility. The day the family brought in their elderly mother for care was a hectic one. The woman was not safe at home and the family made the decision to have the staff at a nursing home watch her 24/7.  They thought they were doing the right thing -- and from a planning perspective, they were!  

Everyone was gathered around the nursing station, shaking and hands and making introductions. The woman was sitting in the group in a wheelchair while all this was happening. As the family was giving the nurse specific admission information, CRASH!  Down went the lady onto the tile floor! Rushed immediately to the hospital, she had broken her hip.  Even in a facility designed for prevention, accidents can happen.  It took one split second.

Look at how much guilt can occur in this situation.  Kate - for making the recommendation for a plan of "prevention".  The family for "abandoning"(this is a whole other post some day) their loved one. The staff for "allowing" it to happen. Perhaps with all this cycle of guilt the lady herself might have felt guilty for falling and creating all this guilt!  What we do, TO OURSELVES.

We can find reasons to feel guilty everywhere but it doesn't help anything. Things will be what they will be and the only thing we can do is manage our attitude and our response to what happens to us. If you continue to feel guilt and shame, it will create a wall between you and the one you love. Your guilt will leech out and taint the way you see yourself and everything around you. 

Guilt is not real, it is an illusion and it lives only in your own mind. If we meet someone else who embraces guilt too, then the game begins... you only weaken each other, trying to place the blame for your pain on someone else. It actually works for a little while! You can even play the Guilt Game with yourself.  The innocent pure part of you points the finger at the part of you that you judge to be BAD, guilty, wrong, selfish. It may sound strange, but you can actually create a "relationship" with another part of yourself. Then you focus on that instead of on the pure part of YOU. 

It is defense mechanism, guilt. It feels easier to be angry and point the blame than to feel the incredible undiluted sadness of loss. It may feel easier to point a finger, but it keeps you in Denial and delays your healing. As long as you are looking at someone else, you are not looking at yourself. If you are not looking at yourself, you cannot heal your pain.  

We can be destroyed by guilt and shame, but we are all healed by LOVE. Once you center yourself and see things more clearly, you can finally begin to heal. Instead of looking at Who's to Blame, focus on the love and focus on the fact that you did the very best you could under the circumstances.

Dear Jack: How Do I Know When to Put My Pet to Sleep?

"Tomorrow I'm sending my dog to rainbow bridge. I'm so hurt, confused and guilty. Yesterday morning he could hardly walk. His arthritis is bad. Been on pain killers for years. He also has prostate cancer and a tumor on his adrenal gland...They gave him morphine at the vets. What a heart breaking evening and night. He cried so much. Confused from the morphine. But today he is great. Walking playing eating. He hasn't been this way in days. I know it's because he's not in pain but it'll wear off. Is it worth giving him more morphine and putting him through nights like last night again just to keep him around? I don't know what to do.... He's up every hour crying to go out to pee, difficulty pooing... Oh God I guess I'm looking for someone to say it's time that I'm doing the right thing. This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life." 


Dear One: First of all, you can FEEL guilty, but YOU ARE NOT GUILTY. He has struggled for a very long time and weighing his quality of life with his pain and his condition is imperative. Do not hold him to you with your love because the love won't die when he does. You need to look at everything else that is going on. How would you feel if you were him?  

It is such a hard decision but the loving thing to do is let him go. Our Grady suffered for several years with chronic pain and was deaf and blind. We made the appointment to put her to sleep on a Monday, and Sunday night and Monday morning she was better than she had been in many months. We thought of it as a final gift for all of us. Later when it was over, we wished we had done it sooner for her. She was so at peace. You will see and you will know then that you did the right thing. Wishing you strength between here and there. <3 

Love, Jack