If The Fates Allow: How Do I Get Through The Holidays?

Dear Jack, 

As Christmas draws near, I find myself terrified of listening to old songs or following normal traditions like putting up the tree and even buying presents. I seem ok to my family and friends because I still pretend that I'm ok. I want to do these things, but at the same time, I'm terrified of all they will remind me of. Baby Gus was always the happiest when we did these things. We now have a new furry angel in our lives but I still miss Gus so much. How do I get through the holidays without breaking down into a million pieces?

Love,

Marcy

Dear Marcy, 

I normally suggest that you Stay In Your Truth most of the time. However, if you have to pretend a bit to get through the holiday upcoming, you have to pretend.  It can actually help to "Fake It Till You Make It". Going through the motions is far better for healing than not facing the reality of life at all. 

Even Kate flew from NY to AZ on Christmas Day just so she wouldn't have to be at home with family "celebrating" the joy of the season, four months after my crossing the Bridge. She did not feel joy at the time. It was easier for her to be sitting on a plane with strangers and changing planes in airports than doing what she'd normally do with family and friends. She was fairly successful at dealing with it.

She had a silver paw print pendant that she carried with her. It hung on a chain over her heart. When things got tough, she took it out, held it and rubbed it like a comfort stone. Sometimes having something subtle and tangible helps defer the anxiety and nervous energy. It's okay to talk about it too, but not too much to those who don't understand or they start to think about committing you to an institution after the holiday is over! Lol. It can also be quite handy to excuse oneself and go to bed early. That's okay to a point. Balance is the key. Balance the holi-day and balance as you move forward to the next anniversary without your friend. Balance is the key to all healing. Time will take care of the rest.

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This year Kate is creating something new. A new holiday tradition with me in mind. Something she will do forever from this point on. Creating new traditions is a very good way to move forward and to honor us at the same time.  She always wanted a Nativity Set. She is going to buy one for herself, gifting it: "To Kate From Jack". Even now she is trying to figure out where to get a tiny "Jack" figurine to put in the barn with Baby Jesus!  (I don't know if she'll find a figurine, but just putting me in the picture above made her laugh--- and that's a good thing!  Whatever makes you laugh or smile, just DO THAT.) 

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Just try to keep it positive. Keep moving forward. Try to find some kind of joy in the season, even if you have to put a gift under the tree from "me".  

Love,
Jack

Dear Jack: I Didn't Get To Say Goodbye

Dear Jack, 
I still miss my beautiful, loving little girl who I lost a year ago. I came home from work one day and she had passed away in the new dog bed that I just bought for her. That was one of the worst days of my life, she was 14 and a half and had not been sick, but she must have been suffering from something. I horribly regret that I wasn't with her when her time came; that breaks my heart to this day. I feel she's with me all of the time, she is all over my apartment, her pictures, her favorite spots, her bed. This loss has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to accept. I just wish I could see her sweet little face and hold her precious body once again. I feel so terrible that I didn't get to say goodbye. 
Please advise. 
Love, 
Amanda 

Dearest Amanda, 

I would like you to understand that your beloved girl passed in your absence because she did not want you to see her in her final moments. If it had been meant to be another way, it would have unfolded another way. It happened just the way it was supposed to happen. 

We have a friend named Patty who had a beloved cocker spaniel. It was quite old and it was declining rapidly. Patty took the whole week off from her work to be with her Buddy. She rarely left his side the whole week. Then, at about 10:30 one night, she stepped away from him just long enough to go the bathroom. When she came back, she found him. He had passed in the few moments when she had left his side. I believe he was waiting for her to leave so he could leave the way he wanted to. We get very sensitive to our best friends and we know that we don't want those last moments imprinted in your mind. We don't want you to see us until the peace has come to our face... and that peace comes very quickly. 

So often human beings try to maneuver and manipulate everything to control an outcome, but eventually most of them learn that no matter how focused and determined they are, they cannot control much of anything at all. They are not supposed to control things because God is in control. Sometimes God steps into situations like this to prove it to the human.... but the human can be a slow learner and most of them keep trying to control stuff anyway because they think they can.

Kate has worked Hospice long enough to know that people do the same thing. There they are, in their final earthly hours, and their family surrounds them in a 24 hour vigil. The moment the family member leaves the room, the person has the space to breathe their last breath in private peace. Not all of them -- but many do this. 

So rest assured, your girl did things on her own terms to the last second. Please don't worry for another moment! Don't you see she did not want to say goodbye. Why would she? She knows it's not goodbye! 

She is also very grateful that you can see her, feel her, sense her there. Everyone is capable of seeing us, but not everyone is able to do it. Please know that All is Well.

Love,
Jack

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LETTER TO JACK: "I Feel Like I Let Her Down"

Thank you to our friends who ask their questions to help all of those who have similar experiences. You think my answers are helpful? Sometimes the questions are as helpful as the answers!  It is your question, but it is the question many others want to ask. 

Dear Jack,

My little girl has been gone three months. We had taken her to the vet and they ran all kinds of tests. I was told she was in good shape for what he called a 'old dog'. But she would not eat or poop... this vet had no compassion. I took her back again and he said "You need to think about putting her down." That was his answer to her problem. She was still so full of energy and my baby, the day after I took her to the vet for the second time, I found her dead in my hallway. When I called him he said, "I guess she made the decision for you." I feel like I let her down. I loved and still do love her so much.

Dear One, 

You did not let her down. You did what you could do. She did not want to be at the vet clinic in her final hours. None of us want to be in a vet clinic, even when we just go for shots! She wanted to be home ...believe it or not, she was in control of her own destiny. 

I can see where you were frustrated with the vet's in/attention, however again, she did not want to go through a bunch of tests and treatments. She was actually very glad that he was not aggressive about it! She knew that her time was coming. I did hospice work with Kate for many years and we learned that no matter how sick or even unconscious someone happens to be, they can have a certain element of control in their final hours and moments, when they can pass naturally. Your girl also did not want you to witness her passing, which is why she did it in the hallway when you were not there. By the time you saw her, she must have been at peace and she gave you this as her final earthly gift.  

I have looked her up here at her new Rainbow Address and I will be sure to keep a special watch over her. Bless you as you continue to heal.  

We Cannot Be Separated

"...Like the cat who finds her way back home over a thousand miles, like the dog who waits for his master to arrive on the train that never comes, like the one who keeps a vigil at her master’s grave until she too can cross the bridge, some people and their pets are woven together by threads of life and they cannot, and will not, for long be separated." 

~"Jack McAfghan: Reflections on Life with my Master" Chapter 48