Follow Your Gut Feelings - They Know More Than You Do.

I was just reminded of a St Patrick's Day when I was in my early 20's working at the nursing home. I was excited to get out of work to celebrate with my friends, but my last patient was an Irishman whose only wish was for a McDonald's Shamrock Shake. He was not diabetic, was considerably underweight and was a dear lonely soul. A disabled Veteran with no family, he was a bit of a curmudgeon. I always gave extra love to those who were rough on the edges. I knew they needed it more than anyone.

Much to his surprise I came back to his room about an hour later with an extra large Shamrock Shake for him. His eyes were wide and his smile was so big! He reached his bony hands out for the plastic cup and awkwardly fit the straw into his mouth. You should have seen his face; he was in Seventh Heaven. He drank about 1/4 of it and then asked to me to put in the unit fridge. He would sip on the rest in the morning.

www.flickr.com

The next morning I came in to work and learned that he had passed in the night. I was at the nurse's station with tears in my eyes, unprepared for such news. The Charge Nurse, my superior, took me by the shoulders and with a sharp glare shook me to my senses. "You can't go getting upset every time someone dies here! People are always going to be dying here! " Well, it was not the last time I cried over losing someone. I was so glad I did that for him.

Now that I know what I know about nutrition, I can't help but wonder if I pushed him over the edge with all that sugar and sodium! ...But no, I actually think he was able to leave once he knew that someone cared...once he knew that he had been considered beloved and valued upon the earth.  

Walking Over the Bridge into Shamrock Heaven

🐾 Jack: On Guilt and Shame: Being Stuck in the Muck

So many of you feel so guilty for "letting us down". You did not let us down.  

Kate was working with a client who was being admitted to a nursing facility. The day the family brought in their elderly mother for care was a hectic one. The woman was not safe at home and the family made the decision to have the staff at a nursing home watch her 24/7.  They thought they were doing the right thing -- and from a planning perspective, they were!  

Everyone was gathered around the nursing station, shaking and hands and making introductions. The woman was sitting in the group in a wheelchair while all this was happening. As the family was giving the nurse specific admission information, CRASH!  Down went the lady onto the tile floor! Rushed immediately to the hospital, she had broken her hip.  Even in a facility designed for prevention, accidents can happen.  It took one split second.

Look at how much guilt can occur in this situation.  Kate - for making the recommendation for a plan of "prevention".  The family for "abandoning"(this is a whole other post some day) their loved one. The staff for "allowing" it to happen. Perhaps with all this cycle of guilt the lady herself might have felt guilty for falling and creating all this guilt!  What we do, TO OURSELVES.

We can find reasons to feel guilty everywhere but it doesn't help anything. Things will be what they will be and the only thing we can do is manage our attitude and our response to what happens to us. If you continue to feel guilt and shame, it will create a wall between you and the one you love. Your guilt will leech out and taint the way you see yourself and everything around you. 

Guilt is not real, it is an illusion and it lives only in your own mind. If we meet someone else who embraces guilt too, then the game begins... you only weaken each other, trying to place the blame for your pain on someone else. It actually works for a little while! You can even play the Guilt Game with yourself.  The innocent pure part of you points the finger at the part of you that you judge to be BAD, guilty, wrong, selfish. It may sound strange, but you can actually create a "relationship" with another part of yourself. Then you focus on that instead of on the pure part of YOU. 

It is defense mechanism, guilt. It feels easier to be angry and point the blame than to feel the incredible undiluted sadness of loss. It may feel easier to point a finger, but it keeps you in Denial and delays your healing. As long as you are looking at someone else, you are not looking at yourself. If you are not looking at yourself, you cannot heal your pain.  

We can be destroyed by guilt and shame, but we are all healed by LOVE. Once you center yourself and see things more clearly, you can finally begin to heal. Instead of looking at Who's to Blame, focus on the love and focus on the fact that you did the very best you could under the circumstances.

How To Choose a Nursing Home

There have been a number of incidents publicized lately regarding specific issues of deficiency and neglect in local nursing homes. How do you find a "good" nursing home? Here are some tips to get you started:

1) The New York State Department of Health offers a good list of questions. However, since New York is a highly-regulated state, many of these questions will have the same answers from nursing home to nursing home. Fortunately the baseline for acceptable care is much higher than in other parts of the country.

2) Don't simply take someone's word for it. You wouldn't purchase a home without seeing it first. Don't go to a nursing home without touring it first and asking questions. Supplement your questions with good observations. Pay attention to how clean the facility is; how well-groomed the residents are. Listen and observe how the staff treats the residents. What is your gut feeling? Would you entrust these people to care for your friend or relative? Is the atmosphere the right chemistry to offer a sense of personal security and comfort?

3) Talk to a number of actual residents and their families. This is their home and they should be able to give you an honest assessment and most would appreciate the opportunity to do so.

4) Review the recent Department of Health survey results which will indicate any deficiencies and plans of correction. The results must be made available to any visitor of any facility and will provide you a good indicator of the facility's weak areas.

5) Learn which nursing homes have specialized programs. The "best" facility may not be the best for you if you have Alzheimer's Disease and they don't provide such specialized care. Some nursing homes are strong in Rehabilitation, for example, or Dementia or Respiratory Care and some are strong in providing good old-fashioned long term care to those who don't require specialized services.

6) Finding the right nursing home can be a very emotional process. Try to have faith that going to a nursing home doesn't necessarily need to be the "end of the road". There have been countless people who, as nursing home residents, have learned skills, made friends and developed talents they never knew they had. It can be a growth experience for all if treated as an opportunity rather than as an obstacle.

7) Keep in mind that no matter what the track record is for a particular nursing home, there is someone who would never go back and there is someone who would never go anywhere else.

8) Try to plan ahead. Most people don't begin to explore nursing homes until they are in crisis, when it is impossible to make a clear decision. If you are in crisis, meet with a geriatric care manager or other professional who has firsthand experience and knowledge of each and every nursing home.

9) You may not be ready to put nursing homes on your list of things to familiarize yourself with, but make the most of an opportunity to do so. If you have a relative or friend in a nursing home, go visit them. It will be good for them and in the long run will be good for you, for any number of reasons!

Good times at the Home