Getting Through the Holidays when you Grieve

Every grieving mother knows how old her child would be today. You know how old I would be now and how long I’ve been gone. The heart remembers everything. You are connected to me by the love that we share, a love that tugs at your heartstrings at special times. You might find yourself thinking about me continuously one day. You just can’t get me out of your mind! Maybe you even have a dream of me or receive an extraordinary sign. You look at the calendar and realize that it is the anniversary of my passing or my birthday. The heart remembers everything. 

“One day without him…”

“He was still here this time last week.”

“I’ve made it through the first two weeks.”

“I can’t believe she’s been gone a month.”

“It’s been 2 months, 2 days, 7 hours, 35 minutes.”

“3 months have passed now.” 

“4 months.”

“5 months…152 days”

“I’m coming up on 6 months.”

“It’s my first holiday alone.”

 “This would have been her birthday.”

We’ve been through one round of all the anniversaries of the heart. 365 days of “first times.” Oh, but it’s still complicated isn’t it? Leaving the first year behind, it’s like we lose that too. The anniversaries will keep coming. There will be days when you just aren’t feeling so strong. Maybe you go a park or a restaurant where we used to go and even though you might have a new friend with you, you are filled with tears and memories of our days together. It’s okay. Let them come. Those were the days my friend… 

Creating new traditions is a very good way to move forward, to honor me and to honor the special days of the year. Sometimes you need to create new traditions for yourself when you are faced with loss---or if you are struggling with family issues and disappointments.

Anniversaries and holidays can be difficult at best when your life feels empty or incomplete. One of the things you can do for yourself during these times is to celebrate the life we shared. Do not mourn my loss. Celebrate my life. Create a lovely altar, light a candle. Say your prayers. Invite me to visit you. Talk to me. Tell me about your hopes and dreams. Reflect on the good times. Tell me you love me over and over again. Soak in the happy times of being blessed by someone in your life who loved you and who loves you still. Someone who taught you the meaning of love, not fear. Celebrate our love. Know that love never dies. 

When you are visiting people over the holidays who might not understand what you are going through, take something tangible and subtle with you; something that you can wear or hold in your hand when you are you are longing to be with me instead of them. It's okay to talk about it if it feels like the right thing to do for you. It’s okay to not want to talk about too. Just tell them that. It can also be quite handy to excuse yourself so you can go to bed early. That's okay to a point too. You have a very good reason and you are learning at last to take care of yourself. Balance the holiday and try to stay balanced within yourself as you move forward to the next anniversary without me. Balance is the key to all healing. Time and support will take care of the rest.

When you are surrounded by joy and celebration it can actually make you feel worse when you feel worse. If you want to avoid parties and celebrations altogether you can volunteer at a soup kitchen or some other charity event. It often helps one to feel better when they help people less fortunate. You can also opt to stay home, but I will be hoping that you will be willing to share the holiday with someone you love and trust. Someone who lets you be you. Go easy on yourself. 

The first of every month would loom ominously. She braced herself every time a new month approached. The August 1 anniversary was tough. Then a funny thing happened. December 1 arrived; sixteen months. The day came and went. On December 2 she realized she had not noticed. She felt guilty at first until she realized it was a sign of her healing. My life was the important thing and our relationship, now on new terms, was all that mattered. She forgot February 1 too! And March! She didn’t remember until after a whole week had passed! Who knew what would happen on April Fool’s Day? Well! She fooled me and remembered! This is how it will happen for you too, 

in your own time and in your own way. 

Jack McAfghan: Return from Rainbow Bridge, Chapter 62

This post is an excerpt from our latest book, "Only Gone From Your Sight: A Personal Approach to Human Grief & Loss"  Currently available on Kindle and coming soon to Amazon in Paperback!

"You Were The Teacher I Needed..."

"Reflections...Book 1. This is by far one of the Greatest Books I have ever Read, Touched my Heart and Soul, a True Masterpiece. The Whole Series, the books are truly inspiring....You were the Teacher I needed to find to open up the door that had been closed for so long..."  

~George K.

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Picking Up The Ashes: Entering the Twilight Zone of Grief

Excerpt from Book 3, Chapter 20 "Jack McAfghan: Return from Rainbow Bridge" Click HERE for actual video footage of the scene which will open in a new window.

"It was the first time she went to the park without me. She had just been to the vet to pick up my ashes. It was raining that day; pouring just like it poured the morning that I passed. I knew right where she would go. She would always go to Grandfather Tree when she was having a bad time or needed to sort things out in her head. She sat down under the mulberry, which was thick with big leaves, so thick that the rain rolled right off of them while she remained dry underneath. She thought of me, her mind playing like a cinematic movie, reviewing the fun times we had shared. Her thoughts began to crescendo as she remembered the suffering of our final hours together. I did not want her to go to those memories.

Suddenly a car pulled up into the parking lot behind her. She heard a door open and close. It made her stop sniffling a little bit but she was kind of upset because she really just wanted to be alone. Who in their right mind would be out in this rainstorm? A moment later she turned her head and her tear-filled eyes to watch as they walked by.  It was a woman walking with her Afghan Hound under a big red umbrella. What kind of person comes out to the park and walks in the pouring rain, she asked herself again. And an Afghan Hound? Kate had never seen an Afghan Hound in these parts. None of it made sense and she wondered if she was dreaming, but she wasn’t. I sent the rain. I sent the woman. I sent the Afghan Hound. I sent the red umbrella. Remember what I said about things that make no sense?..."  

The Jack McAfghan Trilogy will heal your grief. Available on Amazon Worldwide and through your favorite bookseller. Visit http://amzn.to/2vSuPwb to see our five star reviews. Start feeling better in a matter of hours by starting with Book 1 "Reflections" 

When You Grieve For One Who Grieves

Sometimes it is harder to witness one grieving than it is to grieve for yourself. Sometimes you grieve more for them than they grieve for themselves because you tend to project your own feelings onto them and it distorts and magnifies the grief.

Yesterday she heard the familiar "THUMP" of the bird hitting the window. She ran outside and it was a young adult female cardinal. So beautiful. It had died instantly having broken its neck in the impact.  

She went inside to get a soft towel and returned for burial proceedings. She admired its feathers, its beak, its regal beauty as she wrapped the bird. She prayed for it and spoke with it as she carried it to the fence at the back of the yard, the place where the cardinal and her mate would often frolic and play.  

As she dug the soft hole, she cried softly. She covered the beautiful creature with the dirt which she sifted through her fingers so that it would land gently upon the tangerine-colored wings. 

After she went back into the house, she tried to re-focus on her tasks at hand there. In a matter of moments there was the "CHIRP CHIRP" of the male cardinal. He was at the back fence flitting around. "CHIP CHIP CHIRP CHIRP".  Oh this made her cry again, harder. It was not a happy chirp. She imagined what it must be like for the cardinal's partner to not know what happened. To be confused and lost and alone. She wondered if they had a nest -- of eggs -- or perhaps of little ones who still needed their mother in order to survive. She had hopes that cardinals do not mate for life so that this beautiful red boy would be able to find love again. Throughout the day she would hear his CHIRP and she would be so unhappy for him.  

But today, there he was. CHIRP! CHIRP!  Flying around with another girl. Humans take a long time to heal and four-leggeds heal 7x faster. Birds heal almost immediately once they know what's going on.  Mr. Cardinal had seen the whole thing. He knew what had happened. He did not waste any time in grief for as soon as his lady passed, she joined him in spirit. Birds and animals know more than you think they do and they are capable of knowing more than you know.  They would say to you this: 

"Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form."  

Jalaluddin Rumi

Read my books and I will help you understand how we go and how we come back and what happens in the middle of it all. 

Jack McAfghan: The Trilogy is available worldwide on Amazon and through all major booksellers.