Tonight I read about a man who had been fondled by a stranger for twenty minutes at the age of 8. This guy grew up carrying his pain with him through 32 years of marriage to a woman he never really knew. He had buried his wound and locked it up tight thinking that time would take it away… while all along the secret followed him and haunted him. It returned in every intimate moment that should have brought him joy.
Are you him? Am I? What happens when someone is repeatedly abused year after year by someone they are supposed to love? By someone who is a member of the family who teaches only betrayal? I don't know about you but I've tried to heal for many years. How? By continuing to choose to be with ears that didn't hear, kisses that bruised and left their mark, hugs that engulfed and smothered ...and hearts that betrayed. They wanted everything and always on their terms. I have continually avoided closeness, as if I could avoid being hurt any more than I have already been! As if avoiding intimacy could keep me safe…
Why is this so complicated? I don't know about you but sometimes the new love I feel brings up old pain. The more intimacy we share, the more pain comes up.
Do we brush the pain aside for the sake of comfort in the moment or do we look it in the eye and strive to show up differently? I am trying really hard to show up differently in my life. It's so hard! One by one my fears are leaving me but the bigger they are the harder they fall. Dear God help me to keep surpassing my comfort zones until the day comes when I am no longer afraid.
I want to talk with you about your abuse. I want to know if you have healed. Maybe that is the reason you don't reach out to me? Is that why you seem so distant sometimes? Is it why I am?
I have learned that trusting myself is prevention.
I have learned that trusting someone else is the cure.
The right someone.
The conditions are right. We can do this.
We are the wounded healers. We can do this one kiss at a time.
I am not big and strong like you but I would do
Everything in my power to shelter you and keep you from harm.
I believe you would do the same for me.
We will make up for the lonely years when no one was there.
From now on it will be on our terms at the right time in the right place
With the right one... in the right way.
Who knows, perhaps our shared drama of abuse is the very thing
That made it possible at this exact time and place in our lives
For you to find me and for me to find you waiting for love to find us.
If this indeed is true,
I would go through it all over again to be with you.